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March 27, 2012

3

Do You Prefer To Be Called A MILF or a Grandmother?

by Anne Paddock
canstockphoto4712891

A few weeks ago I was speeding through the parking lot in my 6 cylinder station wagon (which my daughter thinks is the most uncool car in the world) when I saw the big brown UPS truck come around the corner. I quickly pulled over, jumped out of the driver’s seat and ran over to ask if there was a package for Paddock. There were 2 UPS guys in the front seat , both of whom looked to be in their 20’s, one obviously training the other.

The UPS driver took his hand-held computer and said he did in fact have a box, which I was greatly relieved to learn as I ordered 5 pounds of Bequet caramels (yes, I know 5 pounds of caramel is kind of excessive but I love those Celtic Sea Salt confections) the week before and was hoping to receive them before my road trip to Florida (treats make trips better).  He jumped out of his seat, went to the back of the truck and came back with the box placing it in my arms. The UPS guy in the passenger seat handed me the hand-held computer to sign and after watching me struggle to hold the package and sign the little machine, he said “you can put it on my lap and sign it” with a big grin on his face.  I smiled and said “thanks, but I think I can handle it.”

After jumping back into my car, my daughter said “well, mom you still got it…you’re a MILF.”  I looked at her perplexed as I had no idea what a MILF was. Sensing my confusion, my daughter elaborated and said “moms… I’d…. like…. to…. fuck.” I was speechless – my daughter was using the “F” word and telling me about a subcategory that falls under the broad heading of “sex.”  I thought I was supposed to tell her about this stuff. “A MILF, mom…you know a young guy that likes Moms.” “No, I don’t know” and I can’t believe my 16-year old daughter is telling me something I know nothing about. Teenagers always know more than you think.

My 16-year old daughter is teaching me about acronyms as she knows I don’t have a clue. When I send a text message, I spell every word out, use punctuation, and follow the rules of grammar, and I chide her when she doesn’t do the same. She says it takes too much time to spell every word out and when I say “I hope you don’t use acronyms in e-mails,” she tells me “e-mail is so your generation.” If only she knew the land line is so my generation. So, I’m uninformed, from another generation…but after my UPS encounter, I wasn’t feeling so old and actually felt kind of youngish.

Two days later, we arrived in Florida and I stopped at a Publix to pick up some groceries.  At the check-out, the cashier was a  young boy that looked to be no more than 17. After scanning my purchases, he looks up and says “would you like to buy some bunny bucks for your children…..(pause)….or grandchildren?”  I looked up and wanted to tell him what he could do with his bunny bucks but showing self-restraint, simply replied “No, thank you.”

To the boy behind the counter, I was an older mother or a young grandmother but come on, really…a grandmother? It’s not like I’ve joined the “I’ve Let Myself Go” Club…I’m still 125 pounds (the same weight I’ve been for 35 years although there has been some redistribution) spread out over 5 feet, 10 inches, and haven’t let my hair go grey (although under those highlights, there is quite a collection of grey hair). I run 35 miles a week and can still run 4 miles in less than 30 minutes. So, I can’t look that old but I guess I do to some people.

As I walked to the car totally deflated and pissed off, I remembered that my grandmother was 51 when I was born (and she was also the mother of my 10-year old aunt) and that there are women in their 40’s and 50’s who are grandmothers; I’m just not one of them, nor am I ready to be referred to as a member of that group.  Honestly, I’d rather be a MILF.

3 Comments Post a comment
  1. mamainlaw
    Mar 27 2012

    FYI (another acronym):
    A woman can be a grandmother and still look like, and be considered a MILF (as I’m sure you will be).
    And believe me, as one day you will realize, being a grandmother is really the COOLEST thing ever!

    Yes, I know the last sentence was not grammatically correct

  2. Mar 27 2012

    Everyone tells me that grandchildren are better than kids and I do look forward to being a grandmother one day…I’m just not there mentally, yet. You’re a GILF (according to your husband)!

  3. Mar 29 2012

    A good friend of mine who has an incredible sense of humor sent me this note after reading the above post and it’s so hilarious, I have to post it:

    Dear Anne,

    MILF (Mothers I’d like to f—) is an acronym I learned from L & his friends when they were in high school around 1996.*

    MILF is a term that has to be used carefully, in terms of both context and company. Rule #1: For obvious reasons, never use it in the presence of your wife when referring to another woman. Rule #1(a): Never ask your husband if you’re a MILF. That would be far worse than asking “How do I look in these jeans?” Why, because MILFs are women you’d like to f—, not a woman you are already f—–g.

    MILF is not as vague or ambiguous as the term “hooking up,” but depending upon context, it can contain subtle differences in meaning. Take my neighbor’s wife for example. She is an attractive women, probably in her late forties or thereabouts. Is she a MILF? Yes, absolutely. But, depending upon her overall persona, she may fall into one of two categories of MILF: A) A middle aged woman and mother who I find attractive enough that when speaking to other males (only) I can refer to her as a MILF in a generic sort of way, as a way to indicate that she is attractive, or B) A woman who is so hot and so oozing sexuality that when I see at her it creates an all-powerful urge to sprint out my front door and jump on her and f–k her on the sidewalk, the PTA meeting, the church parking lot, or at someone’s funeral. When 2 guys are walking down the street and see a MILF, they don’t have to discuss which category she is, they know instinctively whether she is an ‘A’ MIlf or a ‘B’ MIlf. Human males have very strong and accurate instincts in this area.

    There are other kinds of MILFS: the “Dyan Cannon” is the type who you look and say she was once a very hot ‘B’ MILF, but due to the ravages of age and time, has faded into honorary MILF status, though in her case definitely a candidate for the MILF Hall of Fame.

    There are hybrids to the term MILF. A friend of mine is married to a woman I dated back when we were all single, so she is a MIOF – a mother I once f—-d. Needless to say, we don’t discuss it.

    Now back to you. Given that you are a close friend, it would be totally inappropriate for me to comment on your MILFness. However, trust me when I tell you that Laura was right, the UPS guys were right and the Publix guy was a moron.

    Your friend,

    T

    *Some years later L told me that one of his high school girlfriends once said I was a FILF. After I heard that it took me months go get over myself.

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